Parenting: Not for the Faint of Heart

Suzanne Eller is responsible for helping writers, agents, and publishers to connect by creating Yahoo's The Writers View. And she has a new book out on parenting. But it’s so much more than that--it’s also about living beyond the hurts in your life. It’s called The Mom I Want to Be: Rising above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Future.

Tell us a bit about you and what motivated you to write this book.

I've written three books and have two more coming out this December and next spring. I've authored over five hundred articles and am a parenting and youth culture columnist. I travel and speak to teens and parents and women.

But foremost I'm just Suzie. I live in beautiful green country (Oklahoma) with my husband, Richard. My children are in grad school (I have three: Leslie, Ryan, and Melissa) and they are very cool human beings. I like to walk and hike and do anything outdoors. Maybe because most of the time I'm at my desk writing under deadlines!

I was hesitant to write this book. I was approached to write it after teaching it at Hearts at Home national conference. This is the most difficult work I've ever done, and yet when it was through, I could see God's gentle hand in it. It would have been easier not to focus on such a difficult subject, but as the project went on, I marveled at how much God had done in my life. Revisiting the past wasn't a place I wanted to go, but it was a testimony of God's healing and care for not only me, but for my children--and my mom.

You write about a less-than-perfect past when some of the family members who hurt you are still living. How does that work?

I didn't want to write a book that would impact many yet destroy my mom, so I went to her. I shared that I had been approached to write this book and that I thought it had the potential to change lives. I asked her permission, fully prepared to put it down if she said no. She asked several questions and then she not only said yes, but came on board to share her story.

It's important that we tread this ground lightly and with grace, but also with honesty. I wrote from a standpoint of healing, rather than out of pain. I wrote with the emphasis on what God could do and has done, rather than on what I suffered, though I shared stories that revealed the past.

I worked closely with my mom, sending her chapters. There were times that we had to stop and pray together. There were times that she saw something in a different light and we discussed it. There were also times that we cried with joy--for example, when I realized that my gift of writing came from my mom. I always wondered, and once I saw the reams of paper she sent to me as I interviewed her and corresponded on different points, I realized that my mother had a gift. It surprised her even more than me.

What, if anything, did you pick up in your family of origin that you do want to pass on to your kids?

My mom is a survivor, as are all the women in our family tree. There is a toughness that is at the core of each. They are independent and strong, and I see this in my own girls. I know that I can make it, but there is a difference between being strong on your own and being strong enough to allow God to slip in and help. I actually had to let down that "strength" to find healing. Now it is balanced.

I also love my mom's smile. Now that she laughs and smiles, it is beautiful. I also see that in my children.

What are some ways you're parenting differently from how your parents did?

When I looked back at generational patterns in my family, there are many that stand out. One is abandonment. My grandmother fled the scene when things got tough. My mother tried to check out through suicide threats and leaving in rage, which left us afraid. We didn't take them seriously after a while, which is sad. All we knew was that my mom was broken and we couldn't fix her and that life was inconsistent and chaotic.

I wanted to change that parenting pattern. I needed to find healthy ways to deal with conflict that would make my children, my spouse, and myself feel safe. Our home needed to be consistent, rather than chaotic. We decided that conflict would always be resolved, but never in the heat of the moment. I learned that there are times I need to step back and ask the following:

What prompted this action or response?
Is there a better way to handle the situation?
What can I learn from this?
Did I resolve the situation with my child?

This helped me to learn from each situation and grow as a parent.

A second parenting pattern that I wanted to change was that I wanted to play with my children. I wanted to experience the joy of small moments. I wanted to balance our life so that family time was priority and that we would be involved in their lives and sporting events, and that our home would be open to their friends. My children are in college and we still love to hang out, and their friends are grown but still come by and consider us a second mom or dad. That's awesome!

The beauty of my own relationship with my mom is that she is learning the joys of spending time with her children, of laughing together, and of experiencing deeper relationships. It's never too late!

To be continued...

You can order Suzanne's book and read more at her Amazon plog.