Two Hearts, One Flesh: Rx for Marital Cardiac Asynchrony

by William Cutrer, M.D

Dx: Diagnosis

“Oh, my. I can see that your marriages are in trouble.” I shook my head as I scanned the group of physicians, dentists, and spouses gathered to attend my Medical Marriage workshop at the CMDS National Conference. I explained, “How do I know? Because you married a sinner . . . and so did your spouse.”

The fact is, we are all selfish human beings who, without supernatural grace and forgiveness, will follow a natural course to disharmony, disappointment, and disaster. And ultimately for some, this will spell divorce—emotional, if not legal.

The very qualities that make someone a good doctor may make him or her a less-than-ideal spouse: hard working, perfectionistic, conscientious. At the office, you exercise control, give orders and speak with authority. But if you do so at home, your marriage will suffer.

What are the symptoms that raise concern? Relational difficulties reflected in disagreements over how time and money are spent. Expressions of physical love (or lack thereof) mirror the level of intimacy in these other areas.

Often medical couples marry with one partner looking for intimacy and securityCthe soul oneness that marriage is supposed to fosterCwhile the other wants independence, a lucrative private practice, and a prestigious reputation. After years together, the former has settled for and developed proficiency in independence while the latter, having gained “worldly success,” seeks companionship.

Diagnosis: Cardiac Asynchrony—two hearts out of rhythm. Without supernatural intervention, the outlook is grim.

Rx: Prescription

The first step toward marital unity and true intimacy is appreciating God=s authorship of marriage and His plan that “two become one.” This involves more than moments of physical intimacy. It’s a life picture of unity. Couples begin by making their relationship with God a priority. He created us and He ordained marriage. He wrote the “manual,” and our relationships will self-destruct unless we use His map around the land mines. In Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, we read that husbands are to love sacrificially; wives are to demonstrate self-sacrifice as well. This is possible only through the enablement of the Holy Spirit.

Commit yourself to living as Paul instructs in 1 Corinthians 13. ALove does not seek its own way,@ we read in verse 5. That=s a great exhortation, especially if you=re always expecting your spouse to Apick up the slack@ for your busy schedule. Later in the same verse we read that love keeps no record of wrongs. That includes nights when your spouse misses dinner because her pager went off or he shows up after your child=s ball game is over because he had an emergency. On the contrary, we read that ALove is patient and kind@ (1 Cor 13:4). C.S. Lewis wrote that sometimes we do not so much need to be taught as to be reminded. Return to these time-tested verses and commit yourself to living them by God=s grace.

A second step to marital unity is recognizing that God made men and women differently, and the genders apparently assign differing priorities to certain felt needs.

When 1,500 mall shoppers were asked what they wished for most when they blow out their birthday candles, men and women gave vastly different answers. The number one wish of women was “more time with my spouse.” Men ranked that wish at 27th on the list. And what did guys wish for most often? A lower golf score.

Meanwhile, 54 percent of men say they think about sex every day or several times a day. Other studies suggest that men think about sex even more—at least seventeen times per day. By contrast, 67 percent of the women say they think about it only a few times a week or a few times a month.

How can we bring hearts beating to such different rhythms into harmony?

First, ask yourself: “What makes my heart beat?” Then ask, “What are my spouse’s top desires?” In surveys taken at my marriage workshops, most men readily ranked Asex@ as the number one essential. Most women ranked affection first. Yet when I asked them to define affection, they described it as Abeing listened to, non-sexual cuddling, and respect.@ Some husbands were surprised to hear that Aaffection@ in their wives= minds did not mean Aforeplay.

Practically speaking, then, rank these according to your own personal priorities: Affection, recreational companionship, conversation, sex, receiving support around the house, admiration, having an attractive spouse, communication, financial security and family commitment. What would your spouse’s list look like?

Your husband or wife may not be “just like” the average person. If what he wants more than anything is recreational companionship, learn the lingo of his favorite sport and join him there. No, you may not spend that time conversing (perhaps one of your top needs), but he appreciates your presence. If she=s the one who lists companionship first, go with her to the symphony or ride bikes to the lake together—whatever it is that=s most important to her. And know that if you cancel that time together for something that’s “emergent” to you but which seems unnecessary to her, you may inflict a lot of pain.

The average couple spends fewer than seven minutes engaged in meaningful conversation each day. So set aside 15 minutes to discuss these issues. If you have not done so already, begin by taking the simple step of joining hands and offering a short prayer thanking God aloud for your spouse. Next, each of you make your list of “my top three desires.” And be amazed if your lists even remotely resemble each other’s. Ask for practical suggestions from each other: AHow can I do a better job of meeting this need for you?@ Commit yourself to doing what your spouse really wants.

Next consider how differently you and your spouse may view the world. Do you tend to concentrate on only one thing at a time, giving it your full attention? For example, when the television is on, do you become so absorbed in what you’re watching that you wouldn’t notice the tornado removing your roof? If so, you are “particular” in your focus. If you give the person or situation at hand your undivided attention, but you can later Afile it@ and focus on something else, you have “particular” focus.

Or do you view the world more “panoramically”? Often, but not always, these viewpoints fall into rather gender-specific categories, with women tending to be more panoramic and men more particular in focus or compartmentalized. If you view the world panoramically, you will more naturally see the entire bouquet of flowers instead of focusing on one rose. When the television is on, you are still quite aware of your other surroundings.

Understanding how you and your spouse “process” your worlds is also a key to understanding each other. We err when we perceive these differences as superior/inferior.

One physician argued that panoramic thinking proved detrimental to medical practice because personal issues such as marital strife, family upheaval or malpractice couldn’t be put aside. The wife of a physician overhearing this statement countered that such compartmental thinking had allowed her spouse to engage in an extramarital affair while “acting” as a devoted husband at home.

Each perspective has strengths and weakness, not only in marriage but in medicine. A physician with particular focus might so concentrate on the laceration that he or she misses the cry for help from an attempted suicide. A physician with a panoramic view might be so caught up with counseling the abused wife and finding her a safe haven that the spotting, elevated hCG and RLQ pain go unnoticed.

When you play Monopoly, which is more important to you: winning (particular focus) or socializing (panoramic)? Can you be enthused in your physical relationship even when relational issues remain unresolved (particular)? Does your spouse frequently ask you to “get to the point@? (Then you probably think panoramically.)

Once you=ve determined how you normally Aview@ the world, talk about how this impacts the way you relate to each other. Proverbs tells us, ATo get wisdom, get understanding.@ So learn each other’s perspectives, appreciate each one’s strengths and weakness, and enjoy the fact that God has made one strong where another is weak. If you have particular focus, seek to appreciate the panoramic point-of-view. If you are panoramic, work at seeing more focused parts of the world when communicating with your spouse.

Px: Prognosis

The prognosis for couples seeking to sacrificially meet each others= needs and understand

each other in this way, not out of duty but out of desire—even delight—is excellent. As we move toward appreciating how our counterparts think, the relational distance diminishes and intimacy develops. Time together takes on an eternal quality of joyful fellowship and our marriages reflect harmony, intimacy, and God=s one-flesh ideal. Cardiac asynchrony, their two hearts out of synch, become two hearts beating together as one.

This article first appeared in Today’s Christian Doctor.