How Do You Feel about Valentine's Day?

Below you'll find today's Tapestry post. Thanks to my FB friends who contributed: 

Quick! What do you get when you mix history, myth,marketing, romance, and angst? Yes, indeed—Saint Valentine’s Day.
 


Many of us think, “Meh. Another commercial holiday forgreeting-card companies to make money.” And, indeed, they do. The Greeting CardAssociation reports that men (15%) and women (85%) send an estimated 1 millionValentine’s Day cards annually. That makes V-Day second only to Christmas (2.6million) in cards sent. 
 


But perhaps we give companies such as Hallmark too muchcredit. The day didn’t originate with them—they’ve just found a way tocapitalize on it. As have florists, chocolatiers—and anybody associated withMadison Avenue.  
 


So how did it start? Since at least Roman times, people haveassociated the month of February with romance. But V-Day is not simplyValentine’s Day. It’s Saint Valentine’s Day. And why did the churchchoose February 14 for this saint’s day? Perhaps as an “alternative” celebration,similar to how some Christians have Harvest Festivals around the time ofHalloween. Or perhaps because one of the three priests named Valentine listedin the martyrology died on that date. Possibly two of these were the same man.But my point is not to examine the history with all its “ifs” and “buts.”Though the background of the holiday is murky, the saints’ stories emphasizethat Valentine was a romantic figure who was sympathetic, heroic, andChrist-like.
 


And that last point is important, as my friend Kathy remindsus. Self-described as a never-married single, she writes, “The history of V-Daygoing back to St. Valentine is encouraging. The focus becomes Christ. We areHis bride. Since we are all his bride, no one is left out. Too often the churchleaves people feeling left out, not included, and less than.”
 


The constant reminder about one’s marital status can make itdifficult to remember such truths. Consequently, some bemoan February 14 as“Singles Identification Day,” and run for cover until the frenzy passes. Juliesays, “Every time I see a certain person he says: ‘Aren't you married yet?You're not getting any younger.’ I'd put that on the ‘Don't do’ list!” Herexperience is not an isolated case. Consequently, the day can come as a stingingreminder when one already feels like “the other.” Last year Kathi’s daughterand her roommate toasted long-stem roses over a charcoal grill in the backyardof their apartment to “celebrate” the day.
 

But the pressure can come from within, as well. Marniewrites, “Being single on this day often results in a comparison game of ourlives to others. It can be a reminder of ‘what we don't have but greatlydesire.’ It can be a day when it’s easier to believe the lie, ‘you're not worthloving,’ instead of the truth, ‘You are loved, chosen and fully accepted.’ Itcan be a day of loneliness and silent hurt.”
 


Lacie copes by embracing humor. She writes, “Have you seenJon Acuff's “Stuff Christians Like” poston singleness and the church? It's pretty hilarious. The comments belowmight actually be my favorite part.”
 

This is not to say singles all sit around pining on V-Day.Carol writes, “As a single who isn't looking nor desires to look, I seeValentine's Day as a day for those involved with someone to really show theirlove. I try to be accommodating and work so others don't have to.” Nika looksforward to discounted candy on February 15.  Julie makes the day all aboutfamily and food. And Laura Beth enjoys the extra cash she earns babysitting forcouples.
 


And the group of those who have negative or ambivalentassociations with the day is broader than a sub-set of never-marrieds. Considerthose divorced, separated from spouses, and widowed. My older sister, bereft ofher husband due to a texting driver, says, “Ever since my husband died, severalfriends have sent me Valentine's cards in the mail. Warms my heart. My sonusually gets me flowers. They know how hard it is.” Military spouses oftenexperience the day as an acute reminder of a loved-one’s absence. And those whohave suffered break-ups can feel especially alone.
 


But even many married people say, “Who needs the pressure toexpress love on demand?” Sharifa writes, “I am kind of a Grinch when it comesto this particular holiday, though I love love.” Susan feels frustrated that“there is a lot of cultural focus on either relational appeasement or egogratification.”
 


Valentine’s Day is special for me because it was the day Itrusted Christ as a fourteen-year-old. But I still appreciate the ambivalence.Having been married more than thirty-three years, I “get” that love goes fardeeper than romance. Randy quotes Howard Hendricks on this: “If you fall inlove with a body, every day you will be more disappointed.” (And the same goesfor your spouse.) Even the world acknowledges this. Pointing to an article inThe Atlantic titled, “Marriageis Not a '24/7 Sleepover Party,'” Laura Beth notes that marriage is"not all flowers, candy, and romance. It’s something deeper.” Andsometimes the holiday about flowers, candy, and romance can feel shallow. Orobligatory. Or a big disappointment if one’s spouse “fails” to deliver.
 


Debbie sees the holiday as a time to think aboutrelationships, regardless of one’s status. She recommends that marrieds andsingles alike read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, describing thebook as one of the best ever on relationships andmarriage. 
 


Christine tells how some use the day as an opportunity to“give back that which has been given to us.” She tells of friends who host “aparty designed to promote Love146's ministry to sex-trafficking victims. Theyhave invited people of all ages and marital statuses. It's a beautiful reminderto think outwardly and corporately (regardless of status) about how we can bepart of change. Valentine's Day can be a reminder to love. Who are we lovingwell?” She goes on to recount her own story: “I didn't marry until I was 35—anda couple of things really helped me enjoy Valentine's Day more: (1) Expandingmy idea of celebrating Valentine's Day to encompass more than just a sweetheart,such as sending cards or notes and making phone calls to good friends andfamily members (I still do this, especially for my single girlfriends). (2)Celebrating on the actual day with good friends. Even just a girls’ dinner outreally helped to make the holiday special and not lonely.”
 
Susan adds,[It’s] very, very rare to see Valentine's Day as a celebration of relationship(whether romantic or platonic or familial). Why can't it be a day to rejoiceover a heart’s strings that are attached to other people—and this from achocoholic!” 
 


Actually, in some places, the day is exactly that. When Iwas in Mexico during Valentine’s Day one year, I learned that our hosts sawFebruary 14 as “The Day of Love and Friendship.” When a Mexican church leaderasked me, a married woman, to be his valentine, I went slack-jawed untilsomeone explained that he was simply declaring his friendship. Sean, a man ofJapanese descent, says that in his country the women buy the men chocolates onValentines Day, regardless of marital status. He concludes, “Never question theJapanese—they had the samurai. And ninjas.”
 


One year on V-Day, my man and I were apart because he was inAfrica. My sister and brother-in-law, knowing I was alone, invited me over fora fancy dinner along with my daughter and two of their single women friends. Weall laughed and enjoyed a wonderful evening together—singles, marrieds, andfar-aparts. This couple’s sacrifice of what could have been their “date night”turned an otherwise lonely time into a “ro-tic” (romantic without the “man”) night. 

St. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And I askyou—how can we, in the spirit of the martyrs, show real love? Doing so mightrequire more than a card. Shawn reminds us, “Valuing people, whether single,dating, or married, helps when lame, ‘this is what the world says I should door be holidays’ come around. Love covers a multitude of sins.” On February 14,we have an opportunity to show what agape really is—a picture of the onewho gave his all for the sake of love. And that’s true regardless of our“status.”