For Those Who Dread Father's Day
My former intern, Benji Bruneel, will celebrate his first Father's Day tomorrow after years of infertility. For Mother's Day this year he wrote the following suggestions for those seeking to comfort those who hurt. They apply to Father's Day as well:
Embrace the silence: When the topic of infertility comes up, otherwise rational brothers or sisters in Christ often lose the ability to measure their words. “Well, you’re probably having lots of fun trying, right?” “I bet if you just relax and stop obsessing, things will get moving for you.” “Isn’t God enough for you?” “You can practice with my kids anytime.”
Perhaps the first impulse of Job’s friends should guide us. “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was” (2:13). If you aren’t sure what to say to your grieving friend, don’t. Your steady presence communicates more than hastily chosen words could ever hope to. But, if you simply must speak…
Watch your language: Church is not a baby factory. It’s a place full of broken and hurting people, some of whom feel broken and hurt because they have no children of their own. Comments that describe the church in such a way, although not intended to do any harm, can feed the already daunting sense of isolation experienced by infertile couples seemingly surrounded by growing young families.
While we’re at it, let’s stop asking married couples, “So, when do you think you’re going to have kids?” The less tactful, “Why don’t you have any kids yet?” is even worse. The assumption that after two people marry, pregnancy just happens on our own schedule is false, hurtful, and a symptom of our own need for control. Let’s allow God to work in the lives of each couple as he sees fit and not pile on the already fragile couple our own preferences and assumptions about the way their life ought to work. And speaking of assumptions…
Put away your crystal ball: My wife once had to firmly confront a lady who, in her zeal for the Lord, pronounced quite emphatically that God was going to give us a child very soon. “Or, he may not. We may never have children,” Greta replied. He did give us the gift of Gwen and we are thankful, but the announcement of an overeager prophet did not change God’s mind or alert him to our desires. We had made them evident over and over in hours of prayer.
Making your own pronouncements about dates and times only leads to increased feelings of frustration, shame and disappointment. Instead, express your firm hope—something that couples in the middle of infertility’s dark night often lack. Pray with and for you those you know who are suffering, asking God to respond to the cry for children and asking God to sustain them as they wait. But, ignore the impulse to play prophet. Instead…
Be willing to weep: At one of the darkest moments in our journey, Greta and I found ourselves wondering aloud, “Where are those who will mourn with us?” Paul says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). Over the years, we have found plenty of people who have been willing to fulfill the first half of Paul’s dictate, but far fewer who have stepped in to complete the second half of the verse. And those who have stood with us, wept with us, and prayed with us hold a special place in our hearts.
Mourning with those who mourn doesn’t need to involve sackcloth and ashes, but a phone call or a card never hurts. Check in with that struggling couple after a child dedication or the announcement of yet another pregnancy or birth. These moments, although met by most with joy and excitement, can be emotional triggers during infertility.
Through our journey, we have remarked consistently how thankful we are for a loving and supportive church family. We truly do not know how those outside of the body of Christ cope with such gut-wrenching pain without the type of love and support we have known. Yet we can all grow in our care for one another and our awareness of the hurting brothers and sisters among us. And as we celebrate mothers this month, let us not forget those who are not yet mothers but long for the day when the Lord settles them in their home as the happy mother of children.