Foul Foods
My earliest memory of bananas happened when I was four or five. My mom was cutting one, and I asked for a bite. She handed me a chunk, which I plopped in my mouth. Then I froze. Suddenly I ran to the bathroom to spit it out in the sink.
The only thing worse is liver. Recently I read a description of liver as “the oil filter of the mammalian machine.” Dude, so true. Care for an oil filter, anyone?
Did you know genetic evidence suggests some folks taste soap when they have cilantro? Which leads me to conclude that not all tastes are equivalent. If chocolate tasted to everyone like it tastes to me, we would never, ever, ever hear folks say, “I’m not that fond of it.”
I used to think I hated mayo, which I’ve heard described as “salmonella pudding.” But then I discovered that mayo and Miracle Whip were not the same thing. In my first year of marriage I made the mistake of using Miracle Whip as a substitute for mayo on a quiche. Not only do real men not eat quiche—they also do not, I discovered, eat cheap substitutions. Nor should real women. Or dogs, come to think of it. Como se dice, “retch!” en Español? When I told a friend I couldn’t understand what had gone wrong, she kindly informed me of the “no substitutions” rule. I bought some real mayo, and have used it ever since.
People can get creative when describing food they dislike. Consider these respondents' answers to an AOL survey about food:
Blueberries: They taste a little like aluminum.
Mushrooms: If I want to eat fungus, I'll just lick the shower wall.
Sour cream: Like expired chunky milk.
Oysters on the half shell: Like swallowing a fresh phleghmball.
Canned peas: Smell like somebody who hasn't had a bath for a week.
Cooked raisins: Remind me of roaches from my old apartment—or fat ticks. AAACK!"
Fried/sautéed onions: Leave a person's house smelling like the worst case of B.O. that ever was.
Writers are notorious for leaving out smells and tastes when seeking concrete images. See what an opportunity they've lost? What food do you wish were illegal?