Query Clinic

As editor of Kindred Spirit magazine, I sometimes receive some badly written query letters. I received this one yesterday:

Dear Sir,

I am an aspiring young writer who would like to write for Kindred Spirit [not italicized]. Although, I have never read your excellent magazine I am sure that it is very good. I have never been published before but all my friends tell me that I am not that bad of a writer. I have written an article which I think you will enjoy. It is about Jesus walking on the water and Peter getting out of the boat and walking to him and stuff and how he starts sinking in the water and then you can just imaginge the other disciples are like freaking out and Jesus is like frustrated and disappointed because Peter doubted etc. etc. etc.

My opening line is a real hooker. "It was a dark and stormy night." I think this really sets the mood and catches the readers attention.

Anyway, write me back and let me know what you think.

Turns out one of my writing students crafted this as his joke-intro before going on to tell me he landed a writing internship at a Dallas weekly.

If you ever wonder how not to pitch an article idea, this pretty much sums it up. What's sad: I have received worse queries than this (fortunately, only a few), which writers intended as legitimate pitches.

What's wrong with it? You tell me. Choose one thing and comment on why. I'll throw your name into a Tuesday morning drawing for a new CD of WOW Gospel #1 hits.