Clean Big Secret

When I did some research on infidelity for a chapter in Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (currently being revised for its third-edition launch), I read some of the writings of people who get a rush out of cheating.

This may seem like a no-brainer to you, but it amazed me and still amazes me: Some people cheat because of the thrill of having a secret. It makes them feel mysterious to have this alternate identity. No more of the day in and out same old self that was long ago typecast by friends and relatives.

I suspect that same desire is what drives some to create blogs that project made-up identities. But that kind of secret has a seriously low down-side. Think of the All American Rejects and their Dirty Little Secrets video. Sometimes the thrill of the alternate life turns sour and can eat people up until they confess. Or get caught.

Yeah, that's bad. Really bad. But still, I actually think there is something to this stuff about needing to have a secret life, to surprise people by being unpredictable. I just think it's the opposite of what such cheaters think. Rather than being more evil than people would know from one's public persona, I think we're supposed to be better. Secretly. Remember what Jesus said about giving? Do it in secret. And about praying long prayers? Do that in secret, too. So everybody sees the outside and doesn't realize we have this rich righteous inner life going on. That's the goal.

Now, they might catch us on our knees. Oops.

Or they might see us slipping money into a needy person's pocket. Uh-oh.

Or they might overhear us taking aside a bigot and reminding him or her that God made that skin color they're dissing. Busted!

Or they might witness us taking care to preserve the environment with which God has entrusted us. Caught with our pants zipped!

But it's not because we meant to be seen. We'll try to be more subtle next time...

When that happens they'll suspect there's a side to us that's a mystery, that makes them wonder. They might need to adjust the mental mold they've put us in. But they don't know if what they've "caught" us doing is a one-time fluke or if there's more to us than meets the eye. Imagine if all those little notes on postsecret included more than a smattering of good secrets among the heartbreak.

Imagine "I know what you did" evoking a smile instead of a blush.