Pioneer Parent: Author Interview with Mary DeMuth

This week WaterBrook Press releases Building the Christian Family You Never Had : A Practical Guide for Pioneer Parents by Mary DeMuth, an American who lives in the south of France. She lives there with her husband, Patrick, their three kids, and a cat they call "spy kitty" because she had to have an electronic chip installed to make the transcontinental move.

If you're a parent trying to raise Christian kids in an environment that differs radically from the one in which you grew up, you'll find encouragement in Mary's message. To give you a taste of her thinking, I'll let you in on a cyberconversation we had:

SG: You say you have forgiven family members who neglected or hurt you, yet you share with your readers some ways in which those members injured you. How does that all work?

MD: Yes, indeed, how does that work? God has been chiseling at me about this very thing, about how I’ve played the victim before and how easy it is to stay in that mindset. Used to be I would share my story with anyone and everyone when I was in my teens. But then I got wise. Not everyone needs to hear my story, particularly if I tell it to garner sympathy. So I stopped telling it until my late twenties. I leaked it out when I felt it would help others. And that’s the context of why I wrote the book the way I did. I knew that if a fellow pioneer parent were to trust me, I’d have to share what went on in my family of origin in order to paint God’s redemption. Ultimately, the story isn’t about my difficult childhood; it’s about God who intersected my broken life and made me whole. I’m also very cautious in the book to share my story tentatively, not pointing fingers. I place readers inside the skin of a small child and let them make of it what they will. I’ve made a point to say several times in the book, “It’s not my intention to malign my family of origin.” So, to finally answer your question, I have forgiven my family members (though it’s not a one-time process; I’m still in the process of forgiving them), but in order to shine God’s redemption, I had to share the darker parts of my story.

SG: What, if anything, did you pick up in your family of origin that you do want to pass on to your kids?

MD: My mom would not allow me to disrespect her; for that I am so grateful. She provided for me and gave me very good gifts for my birthday and Christmas. My father spent a lot of time with me, taking me on wild expeditions to art museums and mountains. Those are things I want to pass on to my children.

SG: What are some ways in which your family of origin differs from the family you now have?

MD: My children know that we love them. I marvel at how secure they are. As I look at Sophie at age thirteen and think of myself at that same age, it’s like night and day. I was insecure and brooding and wanting to take my life. She is secure and happy and loves life. By God’s grace, my children are living a different life. Another difference is that Patrick and I are married. By the time I was Sophie’s age, I was experiencing the beginning of the end of my mom’s third marriage.

SG: What are your top three parenting tips?

MD: 1. Love your children no matter what. Pick their brains about how they feel loved. And then dare to love them that way.
2. Follow Jesus. Really. The best gift a parent can give to his child is his heart fully surrendered to Jesus Christ, where there is less of the parent and more of Jesus’ kindhearted nature inside.
3. Understand that parenting is inside out, not outside in. Pioneer parents read a lot of parenting books because we are so afraid we’ll duplicate the homes we were raised in. That’s a great thing to do, but it’s not the only thing. Parenting is not about imposing outside methods or structures to our families; it’s about letting God change and heal you from the inside. Good parenting flows from a changed heart.

SG: When it comes to writing this book, where have you felt most misunderstood?

MD: I haven’t felt misunderstood yet, but I anticipate it in terms of honoring parents. I anticipate someone will say, “Well, the Bible says to honor your parents, how exactly is it honoring to air their dirty laundry on the pages of a book?” My answer first would be to ask them to read the book, because I think if they did, they’d see that I value honoring parents. The sticky point is how do I tell the truth while still honoring them? It’s something I am still holding in tension.

I can say this. All along I felt a strong conviction to write this book. There were times I cried through it. Bled through it. I wanted to put it down for good several times. But each time, God prodded me forward. I rest in that.

SG: What do you want pioneer parents to take away from the book?

MD: I want pioneer parents to know they are not alone. And that God can take even the most impossibly painful childhoods and redeem them. It is possible to grow up, be healed, and forge new ground with your family. You do not have to duplicate the home you were raised in.

SG: Which is best to a French person? Chocolate, lingerie, wine, time off, or cheese?

MD: Yes. All those things. But if I would sum it up, it’s food. Chocolate, wine, cheese, salad, duck, pate.

Want to read more from Mary? Check out this interview.
Scroll down to the Publishers Weekly review of her upcoming novel, Watching the Tree Limbs.