Miss Manners II

If you read my entry from New Year’s Day, you know I promised more on etiquette. If you have not read that entry, please do or you will miss the whole attitude thing--an important part.

Yet before moving on to the quiz, I will tell you how I am, because some people are sending me emails saying they have shown up here expecting to find a health update (newcomers: I tried to fly down my stairs and ended up with a broken clavicle, followed by shoulder/hip graft surgery) and I have disappointed them by remaining silent on that topic. If you don’t care, scroll on down and begin. Otherwise here goes.

I’m still doing daily ultrasound treatments to stimulate bone growth. Before Christmas, my doc gave me the okay to drive—news that left me elated. At first it was really uncomfy even to turn the wheel, but I’m regaining strength. I tossed aside my cane and spent all day at Six Flags over the break, which should give you an idea of my ability to walk and my stamina, though I steered clear of any rides. I still can’t reach out to my side—only straight ahead—making bank drive-ins and fast-food windows a challenge. Still, about every 48 hours, I see some specific area of improvement. When I get out of bed in the morning, my hip feels a few decades older than the rest of me, but once I shake out the stiffness, it hurts only when I sneeze. As for my arm, the doc has put a five-pound max on lifting, and the rotator cuff will probably require rigorous physical therapy beginning in early February. Now, if I can keep from falling out of the car when I reach over to close the driver's door with my right hand, hopefully I can avoid another sugery.

Okay, on to the Miss Manners stuff....

Remember the day when the space shuttle blew up over Texas and how awful that was? Well, there's this lovely grove of trees forming a sacred space on the NASA grounds set aside for honoring those fallen astronauts. Gary and I took our daughter to NASA in Houston this summer, and our tour included a stop there. As our tram approached, everyone aboard grew quiet...that is, except for the man sitting behind us. He sat and jabbered on his cell phone the entire time we were stopped. While everyone else observed an appropriately solemn silence, this Bozo subjected all those defenseless people to the banality of his conversation.

And so, I give you Glahn's Law: People around a phone-talker should have the option of not listening. If not, the talker should quit babbling. Even if he or she is bored silly at a doctor's office or sitting on airport tarmac, silence is golden.

Are you glad the holidays are behind us? I am. I love all the food and parties associated with Christmas and my birthday and my daughter's birthday and New Year's and Epiphany (today--Merry Christmas to my Russian Orthodox friends). But I'm still glad to move along into January and put the entertaining behind me for a while. Yet before I do, I want to review some simple rules of etiquette worth remembering next time around.

Here’s a multiple-choice quiz:

1. When dining, do you pass food a) to the left; b) right; C) or both at the same time depending on whether it’s stacked up in one direction?

2. Do you use utensils a) from the outside in; 2) from the inside out; 3) in and out the window?

3. Dessert utensils are often set at the top of the plate. Once the plate has been removed do you a) leave these utensils where they are; b) move them down—fork on the left, knife and spoon on the right; c) either a or b.

4. Beverages always sit to the right of your plate; salads and breads, to the left. This will help you know which cup to drink from at a large gathering. Beyond that, a) the coffee cup may sit with your napkin in it next to your spoon, even though you’re used to taking your napkin from the left; b) the coffee cup is on your right, unless it has a napkin in it—then take from the left; c) neither.

5. Never turn on a television at someone else’s home, even the home of a relative, without discreetly asking first: a) except when you can sneak into a room where no one will see you; b) unless the Superbowl is on and you know everyone will want to watch; c) ever.

6. When washing hands for a meal, a) feel free to use any available sink; b) use the closest available sink; c) avoid using the kitchen sink. It’s more polite to use the bathroom.

7. If you’re hosting an event, turn off the TV, a) unless it’s part of the main event (such as having people over to watch pro football); b) unless you need it for background noise; c) both a and b.

8. If you’re dining in someone’s home and the hostess has left off the table the kind of jam you like, a) ask politely for what you prefer; b) eat what is put before you and see it as a chance to break out of your comfort zone and try something new; c) get up and get it yourself.

9. True or false? Introduce a younger person to an older person (Aunt Sue, may I present my daughter, Alexandra); a non-official person to an official person (President Bush, allow me to present my husband, Gary); and in business introduce the junior to the senior (Mr. Judge, Mr. Attorney).

10. True or false? “How do you do” is preferable to “pleased to meet you.”

11. Wear your nametag a) on the right side of your shoulder; b) clipped to the bottom of your jacket; c) wherever you like, as long as it’s visible.

12. Is this entire statement true or false? In a social situation in which you are eating/drinking but there are no tables, hold a drink or food, but not both at the same time. Hold the plate with your right hand and eat with your left (you’ll need to shift to shake hands with someone). If seats are available, be prepared to rise when meeting or greeting people.

13. Place your napkin in your lap a) as soon as you sit down; b) after everyone has been seated; c) any time before the meal starts.

14. Open your napkin a) below table level; b) by shaking it in the air; c) by shaking it out to the side below or above the table—doesn’t matter.

15. True or false? At a banquet, wait until everyone at a table has been served before beginning to eat. If one person remains unserved, he or she may insist that you go ahead. (If you are that lone person, don’t keep people waiting on you.) Feel free to proceed when told to do so, but eat slowly while waiting. If in a home, wait for the hostess to take the first bite.

16. True or false? Consider the salt and pepper married—always pass them together.

17. True or false? When passing something with a handle such as a gravy boat, turn the handle toward the person receiving it from you, unless it’s hot.

18. At office parties a) talk about whatever you like within good taste; b) avoid discussing business. Instead, take the opportunity to learn about your co-workers; c) avoid talking about your social life—these are work friends.

19. When using butter or margarine, a) feel free to take it directly from the dish and slather it onto a piece of bread, or put it on the plate if you prefer; b) put it directly on your bread so you’ll know how much you need and people won't have to pass it back to you for more; c) place butter on the side of your plate first.

20. Be gracious and avoid being condescending with others who break any or all of these rules.

ANSWERS: 1. b, Pass to the right; 2. a, Use utensils from the outside in. If you’re unsure, follow the hostess’s lead; 3. b; 4. a. The napkin, while often to the left of the fork, may indeed be in your coffee cup--on the right; 5. c; 6. c; 7. a; 8. b; 9. True; 10. True; 11. a; 12. True; 13. b; 14. a; 15. True; 16. True; 17. False. If it’s hot, set it down if you need to, but still turn the handle toward the person receiving it; 18. b; 19. c; 20. True.