Problems with a Standard Text on Sex

Many counselors still recommend Dr. Ed Wheat’s book, Intended for Pleasure, as the primary sexuality text for married couples. Yet when doing research for the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, which I coauthored with an ob-gyn, we found some real problems with Dr. Wheat’s book.

I will outline here some of these problems over the next few weeks. Stop reading here if you are offended by words such as penis, vagina, intercourse, and penetration.

Let’s start with a quote from Dr. Wheat’s book: “At the time of first intercourse, the husband should not persist in striving to bring his wife to orgasm with his penis in the vagina. If she has some soreness, there is no reason to make this worse. After the penis is inserted, the husband should have his orgasm quickly, withdraw the penis, and stimulate his wife’s clitoral area gently with his fingers to bring her to orgasm” (p. 53).

First of all Dr. Wheat never allows for the fact that the wife might

a) determine that she’s satisfied without orgasm,
b) want to be stimulated some other way than via fingers on her clitoris,
c) want to control the sensations herself, and/or
d) want to guide her husband in what to do next.

Another problem with this paragraph: Dr. Wheat assumes the husband should be “satisfied” first. Many couples find that once the husband has experienced orgasm, it’s more difficult for the wife to receive what she needs from him, so they opt to seek her satisfaction first. The language makes it sound as if there’s one right way to do this thing.

On the next page Wheat writes this: “On your honeymoon, another erection will probably come in a few minutes, even if you ejaculate early, but do not wait for that. Continue providing the caresses and manual stimulation that give your wife sexual satisfaction. Actually, at this time, the manual stimulation will be more pleasing to her and much more effective than the sensations of intercourse, because the vagina muscles are extra tense at first, and there is always some discomfort for the bride” [italics mine].

The implication here is that once vaginal muscles adapt, she will be more pleased via intercourse. Yet most women throughout their lives (not just at the beginning of marriage) experience greater pleasure during manual/oral and/or external stimulation than during intercourse alone. Considering the normal female anatomy (where her center of pleasure is located—apart from the vagina) and almost total lack of sensory nerve endings in and around the vagina, it is easy to see that penetration—which is usually the “ultimate experience” for the man—is often not as central to the woman’s satisfaction.

It gets worse… On page 55 he writes, “Sufficient physical stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce orgasm in nearly all women.”

Aside from being bad advice about the mechanism of touch itself (sometimes she needs less direct stimulation, not more “sufficient” physical stimulation) , this mentality misses something much more foundational. If the relationship is not in order, probably no amount or kind of stimulation will lead to female orgasm. What sight is to many men in the bedroom, warmth, personal affection, and attention are to women. To focus only on the mechanics of touch is to fail to understand the female response. No amount of physical stimulation will arouse or maintain arousal for many women who feel hurt by marital conflict. The conflict must first be resolved before she can feel responsive.

Wheat gets closer to the truth when he writes on p. 57 that “When the glans of the clitoris is feeling overly sensitive, the wife may prefer to be stimulated in an entirely different area, such as the breast or inner thighs, before returning to stimulation of the clitoral area” [italics mine]. Yet this suggests that the clitoris is the key, which is often not the case. For many women it’s not just when the “glans of the clitoris is feeling overly sensitive” that she may want to be stimulated in an entirely different area. And “returning to stimulation of the clitoral area” may not be what she wants. Each woman decides what “works” for her, and clitoral (especially direct clitoral) contact may not be what is most stimulating.

On another page we find this: “Even after entrance of the penis, she may still need light caressing of the clitoris to increase excitement to orgasm” (p. 86).

This assumes the penis must be in the vagina for her stimulation to orgasm, which is not the case. But let’s back up a moment and consider more foundational factors.

Here are some things we learn about women from a couple of sex surveys. First, a secular survey—the most definitive study on sex ever done (Sex in America)—found that evangelical Christian women reported higher levels of satisfaction than any other group on the planet. Another survey, this time of 2,000 women, found that when given a choice between physical closeness and orgasm, 80 percent chose the former. When given the choice between emotional closeness and orgasm, 70 preferred the former. Whereas most men report that the orgasm itself is the goal of the sexual experience, most women report that the sense of closeness is more important to them.

What does this mean? Apart from the obvious (we are not the same!), it also means that a wise man allows his wife to determine when and how she’s satisfied. If she opts to be physically close without seeking or experiencing orgasm, that is her choice. The presence or absence of orgasm does not determine the “success” of the “encounter.”

Wheat advises: As soon as the husband finishes ejaculation, he should begin manual stimulation of his wife’s clitoris, so that she can have repeated orgasms (p. 89).

While it’s true that woman are designed with the capacity to have more than one orgasm in a given encounter, the husband should do no such thing unless he has first determined two things from his wife: 1) Does she want to continue and 2) If so, where and how does she want him to touch her?

Wheat later writes, “Take time to ensure the wife’s orgasm and the husband’s controlled, full response.”

This assumes that for the experience to be complete and satisfying, both partners must experience orgasm, which is great if both partners have this as their goal. It is not so great if both partners desire something different.

My personal belief is that books written about marriage and sex in marriage should be written by both men and women. For years Christian guides to sex were written by men only, and as a result, the more typically “male way” became viewed by many as the “right way” or the “best way.” As a result, women either suffered by thinking they were sexual failures or they secretly disrespected those who spoke with authority on matters about which they lacked knowledge.